im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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