I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
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