Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
