so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
