OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
