If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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