i was born a porn star she said
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
