If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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