I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Randomize
