CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
