Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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