Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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