He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
