That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
