last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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