just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
