At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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