I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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