i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
