btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Randomize
