Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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