So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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