are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
