I like my sex mixed with concussions.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize