You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
