The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
