I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
