I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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