Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
There's always time for handjobs
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
