My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize
