god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
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