I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I could fuck to npr.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
