Your mouth is God's brothel.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
