I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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