I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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