Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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