not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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