I can text with my tongue
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
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