I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
