Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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