I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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