Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Randomize
