What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
