dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Randomize
