Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I just had sex on a roof
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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