I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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