Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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