I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize