you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
