sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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