I don't usually arrange sex via text message
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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