Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
