So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
