Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Randomize
