Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
