I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
My vagina just recognized that song.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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