Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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