i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
It's never too late to be topless.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Drake has all the answers
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
