Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize